Monthly Archives: July 2017

The Recall

You will get syphilis if you watch this movie. The end

The Mummy (2017)

Tom Cruise must be on them good scientology drugs because he looks boner-rific for a 55 year old… but this movie sucks that boner I got. The producers must have said ‘I know what can make this expensive turd of a movie even weirder…randomly throw in Russell Crowe as Jekyll and Hyde.’ Skip this movie unless you like to simultaneously waste time while not being entertained. The end.

The Belko Experiment

This movie is awesomeness with boob-loads of gore and a high body count! A bunch of people get locked in their workplace and must obey the intercom voice and kill each other or risk death. Is it just a sick game or some kind of social experiment (hint, it’s an experiment)? The end.

Pilgrimage

If you like religious movies with no endings, you just hit the shitty movie jackpot! The end

2:22

Based on the description I thought this movie would be cool like Groundhog’s Day or Live, Die, Repeat. It was not. It’s a crappy love story disguised as a good movie. The end

Alien: Covenant

You need a damn phd in the Alien movie franchise to understand this movie. I think it’s a prequel telling you where the aliens, aka xenomorphs, come from but it didn’t make sense and there’s and evil AI robot guy who evil for no reason. Gaddamn fuckin’ Kenny Powers is in it this movie though. The end.

Okja

If you hate GMOs, factory farms, and the American way, this movie is for you! A girl befriends a ‘magical pig’ which is like a cross between a hippo and a pig and it gets taken to be turned into chops and bacon. This wonderfully shot movie is good for a few laughs and cries. The end

Wonder Woman

This lady on a secluded island with other ladies has grandiose ideas about stopping a war and saving the world. Then she stops a war and saves the world. Zero naked boobies. The end