Monthly Archives: September 2017

Blade Runner (1982)

This 80’s movie based in the future (2019) is billed as one of the best movies ever made so I had to see this shit for myself. An Elon Musk type character creates these humanoids that are stronger and faster than normal humans and Harrison Ford, aka Han Solo, is tasked with hunting them down because they aren’t allowed on earth anymore. The ending makes you question who the good guys are and this is a pretty good movie…but I’m not sure of the ‘best ever’ tag. The end.

Escape Room

A group of friends do one of those escape rooms (as you could guess from the title) for entertainment but things get dark when an evil box is opened and people start dying. Will they escape or will they all die? You’ll never know unless you watch this above average horror movie. The end

Wish Upon

A high school chick find an ancient chinese box that lets her make wishes…but the wishes come at a price (~spoooookkkkyyyyy~). She wishes for mostly stupid thigs like to be popular. A lot of lame high school drama but the ending is pretty sweet. The end.


It’s fookin’ aliens (said in an Irish accent for absolutely no reason)! This documentary is really well done and is more about government coverups than actually aliens. I give this move three anal probes in the butt! The end.

Secret Life of Pets

I’ve seen a lot of shitty kids’ animal movies over the years, and this one is not too bad and my kids thought it was the bomb (though not as good as Zootopia, where they get their animal fix most weeks). Two dogs go through a typical arc of hating each other, tolerating each other, then liking each other – like my two dogs, Scratchy and Fluffy (both fucking annoying in their own way). The gangster bunny is kind of funny, as is the hot dog scene (mmmm. hotdogs..). The End.

Lost City of Z

While I liked the sequel World War Z, it took me way too long to realize there were no zombies in this movie. While there was some spear-chucking by aborigine-type folks, it was really a super slow historical story about…zzzz..sorry, fell asleep there. The only good thing I can say about it is if you wake up at 2 a.m. from insomnia, if you put it on, you will still get a good night’s sleep. The End.

It (2017)

The best horror movie I’ve seen in recent years! A GD creepy clown haunts these prepubescent kids (apparently adults can’t see him) so the kids run away from the clown but then turn the tables and hunt the clown. Scary throughout and enough comic relief to keep you from pooping your pants. The end.

John Wick

DO NOT mess with John Wick’s dog. Theon Greyjoy did and John Wick went Kung-Fu Keyser Soze on his ass, true story. Though, if Theon Greyjoy just petted his puppy, then we probably wouldn’t have gotten John Wick: Chapter 2, and that would have been sad. The end.

A Ghost Story

The critics love this movie but it wasn’t “stunning” or “chilling” like they say, it was a “piece of crap”. I don’t know what was worse; the time traveling ghost (played by Ben Affleck’s brother) actually wearing a sheet the whole movie or the zero dialog (besides the tirade by a bald nihilist about the meaninglessness of everything in the middle of the movie). I give this movie an F-. the end.

Transformers: The Last Knight

Some robots that sometimes look like vehicles are trying to save earth from being destroyed by other robots that sometimes look like vehicles. Starring: robots, Mark Wahlberg, and Anthony Hopkins. The end.