Monthly Archives: March 2018

The Greasy Strangler

If you were a fan of Napoleon Dynamite and Kung Fury, you’ll enjoy this dark comedy/thriller to the max! Elija Wood, aka Frodo Baggins, was one of the producers of this nearly NC-17 version of a Napoleon Dynamiteish movie, with a ton of male full frontal nudity. If you’re not sold yet, this old guy, when him and his son aren’t inexplicably wearing women’s clothes and going to discos, covers himself is grease and goes around strangling people to their comic demise. The end

Annihilation

My hopes were set high for this movie by the guy who directed Ex Machina about some alien object that crashes into a lighthouse and creates this weird, world bending bubble. Too bad it sucked. There were a few cool parts like a bear that echos its victims sounds but not worth the two hours it took to watch. The end

Ghost Ship (2017)

Guest Reviewer John: Fucking aweful. Don’t even try to watch this confusing piece of shit. The end.

Mother!

If you love having anxiety and being confused at the same time, this is the movie for you! This movie won some awards or something but I have no idea why. The bad guy from No Country for Old Men and the Hunger Games chick acted well, I guess, and supposedly this movie is a metaphore for the bible or something but I was just straight up confused. The end.

Mayhem

File this movie under ‘awesome movies from 2017 that nobody heard of’. If you combine The Purge, a short lived virus, and corporate America, you get this movie with a ton of blood, makeshift weapons, and an 8 hour quarantine where there are no rules! This is a must see action/thriller! The end

The Grey

I can’t believe I hadn’t seen this awesome 2011 thriller starring the mighty Liam Neeson. Some oil field guys working in Alaska take a plane to another part of Alaska and it crashes. After they crash, the few survivors are hunted by a shit ton of wolves which is the worst! The end

My Friend Dahmer

I like serial killers as much as the next guy but this movie was the opposite of great unless you like watching an awkward, sort of creepy Jeff Dahmer in High School. There were zero murders and zero boobs. I give this movie two salads where the lettuce is starting to brown. The end.

Marrowbone

This English family starts a new life, on the run from their crazy killer of a dad and now the dad is haunting their house…or is he? I had this movie figured out pretty early but that’s because I’m super smart. Worth a watch if you’re in the mood for a thriller/mystery type movie. The end

The Shape of Water

This Guillermo del Toro movie is all the rage and is expected to win the Academy Award for best picture but I liked it the first time i saw it when it was called Beauty and the Beast. It’s actually a pretty good movie about a mute lady that falls in love with a water mermaid type guy who reminds of the water creature from Hellboy. Plus, full frontal nudity = bonus! The end.

Sam Was Here

This movie was weird yet interesting and it grabbed my attention but it’s directed by some weird french guy and apparently the french not only drink pee and eat babies but they don’t know how to end a goddamn movie. A guy named Sam (which you probably surmised from the title) drives around the desert but nobody is around…and then people ARE around and trying to kill him. Plus there is a weird, unexplained, red light in the sky. The end.