Monthly Archives: October 2018

Hotel Artemis

In the future, criminals go see Jodie Foster and Bautista when they get shot up during dangerous heists because they’re underground doctors or something. Jodie Foster killed it just as much as when she played that deaf girl in the 90s. Watch this movie because I rate this 4 pumpernickels and 3.5 tabernacles. The end

The House With a Clock in the Walls

Not good. Don’t watch it. The end.

The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy

The opening is dolphins (the water mammal, not the football team) singing a rednition of “Goodbye and Thank You for the Fish” before leaving the failed earth. This movie has a depressed robot, a guy with 2 heads, an all knowing computer, and paperwork obsessed slug looking aliens. And the answers to all of lifes questions is “42” which translates to “watch this shit!” The end.

The Meg

Apparently this is a shark movie, not a movie about Meg Ryan or Megan Fox. It’s a new age Jaws except Jason Statham and Dwight from The Office are in it. It’s exactly what you’d expect, unless, like me, you expected a Meg Ryan movie. The end.

Hereditary

If you like scary movies, watch this. If you don’t, skip it or wear a diaper because, you know, poo poo. A dude (with a mole I couldn’t take my eyes off) accidently kills his sister so naturally his mom conjures her spirit…or does she!? The end.