Author Archives: Joel P. Otter

Alpha Wolf

Crappy wolf costumes, a dog that turns into a man which is left unexplained, boobies, and silver coins killing werewolves? Yes, please! Well…actually, the movie sucked. The end.

Mission: Impossible – Fallout

If you like the same old Mission Impossible movies with rubber masks and predictable twists and turns followed by car chases and people getting saved at the last second, this will be your new favorite. In this MI universe people don’t eat, sleep, or use the bathroom so it must be in the future. I rate this movie two partially eaten Crunch bars. The end

A Star is Born

A singing celebrity that’s drunk and high all the time makes a no name Lady Gaga into a star. For being a slow ass drama it was pretty damn great. You’ll laugh, you’ll cry, and maybe you’ll eat a cheeseburger. The end.

Searching

Nothing is more interesting that watching a picture of a computer screen being projected onto your tv screen for 1.5 hours which is exactly what this movie is. They tried a new movie formula and went out on a limb and guess what, it totally worked! This movie is pretty engross inducing. The end.

Bohemian Rhapsody

I wish this movie was just all music but it was only like 50% (booooo!)! It’s about a guy with big teeth that sings really well and starts a band called ‘Queen’. No boobs though so I can only rate this movie 2 unripe bananas and one phillips screwdriver. The end.

The Predator (2018)

Where the hell is Arny? Someone did say ‘get in the choppa’ though, I think. Pretty good movie if you take the attempt at comic relief out. The end.

Hotel Artemis

In the future, criminals go see Jodie Foster and Bautista when they get shot up during dangerous heists because they’re underground doctors or something. Jodie Foster killed it just as much as when she played that deaf girl in the 90s. Watch this movie because I rate this 4 pumpernickels and 3.5 tabernacles. The end

The House With a Clock in the Walls

Not good. Don’t watch it. The end.

The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy

The opening is dolphins (the water mammal, not the football team) singing a rednition of “Goodbye and Thank You for the Fish” before leaving the failed earth. This movie has a depressed robot, a guy with 2 heads, an all knowing computer, and paperwork obsessed slug looking aliens. And the answers to all of lifes questions is “42” which translates to “watch this shit!” The end.

The Meg

Apparently this is a shark movie, not a movie about Meg Ryan or Megan Fox. It’s a new age Jaws except Jason Statham and Dwight from The Office are in it. It’s exactly what you’d expect, unless, like me, you expected a Meg Ryan movie. The end.