Author Archives: Beck JPecko

Secret Life of Pets

I’ve seen a lot of shitty kids’ animal movies over the years, and this one is not too bad and my kids thought it was the bomb (though not as good as Zootopia, where they get their animal fix most weeks). Two dogs go through a typical arc of hating each other, tolerating each other, then liking each other – like my two dogs, Scratchy and Fluffy (both fucking annoying in their own way). The gangster bunny is kind of funny, as is the hot dog scene (mmmm. hotdogs..). The End.

Lost City of Z

While I liked the sequel World War Z, it took me way too long to realize there were no zombies in this movie. While there was some spear-chucking by aborigine-type folks, it was really a super slow historical story about…zzzz..sorry, fell asleep there. The only good thing I can say about it is if you wake up at 2 a.m. from insomnia, if you put it on, you will still get a good night’s sleep. The End.

John Wick

DO NOT mess with John Wick’s dog. Theon Greyjoy did and John Wick went Kung-Fu Keyser Soze on his ass, true story. Though, if Theon Greyjoy just petted his puppy, then we probably wouldn’t have gotten John Wick: Chapter 2, and that would have been sad. The end.

Trainwreck

This movie should have been titled “Feminist Fairytale.” It is about drunk, slutty, “Plain Jane” who lands a doctor because she has a vagina, ooohh, and she’s so sassy (men LOVE that sass ladies)! At least Lebron James is funny though. The End.

Trainwreck

 

Peanuts Movie

the-peanuts-movie-social

A parent-who-hates-Charlie-Brown’s worst nightmare. Even smoking weed beforehand couldn’t make this bearable. Fuck Charlie Brown and all those Peanuts fuckers. The end.

Funny People

Truth in advertising alert: about as funny as a trip to the Holocaust Museum, except you can probably make it out of that faster than this longwinded affair. A Judd Apatow (who I normally like) vehicle that horribly miscasts Adam Sandler as a comedian. The funniest part comes 30 seconds from the end where Rogan tells a joke that goes like this: my grandfather took Viagra and thought he was titty fucking my grandma, but turns out he was just humping his saggy balls. The End.

funny people

Forgetting Sarah Marshall

Marshall from How I Met Your Mother gets dumped by his cheating girlfriend Sarah Marshall (I know, confusing because Marshall isn’t even that common of a name) and goes away to Hawaii to get away. But that slut is there, so it gets awkward. However, by the end he bangs Jackie from that 70’s show, makes a sweet muppet Dracula musical, and shows a lot of wang. The end.

forgetting sarah marshall

The Martian

Like a space version of Castaway, except with worse writing and acting. There is sweet 70’s soundtrack though. And :SpoilerAlert: there are no actual martians, what BS! Marvin martian.  The End.

martian

Ex Machina

The Small Wonder robot girl is all grown up and is now a sexy robot woman with working robot woman parts. She was made by Google (cleverly called Bluebook – but we know Google, we know…) and seduces a loner computer dork. The Google guy should have stopped when he made the sexy non-talking robot girl as he hit his peak with the perfect woman at that point, instead he gets knifed. The end.

ex_machina review

50 Shades of Grey

Fifty-Shades-of-Grey-Movie-Poster-Revealed-332x263Here’s exactly how to replicate the experience of watching 50 Shades of Grey while saving 2 hours (the movie): Take an Ambien, turn on C-SPAN for some ambiance, and close your eyes. Imagine the couple in American Gothic american gothic

as younger versions of themselves, complete with 1,000 yard stares, but naked and into light bondage. Then shit in your hands while you fall asleep. The End!