Category Archives: Crime

Hotel Artemis

In the future, criminals go see Jodie Foster and Bautista when they get shot up during dangerous heists because they’re underground doctors or something. Jodie Foster killed it just as much as when she played that deaf girl in the 90s. Watch this movie because I rate this 4 pumpernickels and 3.5 tabernacles. The end


Like the book 1984 except in the future, the government stores your memories and spys on everyone and everything. That is until the hackers start murdering! The end.

Den of Thieves

Imagine a longer, crappier version of Oceans 11 but with less big named actors. This is your standard ‘rob an un-robable place’ movie with good guys vs bad guys but the good guys are dicks so you don’t know who you’re rooting for. The twists were lame and predictable so I rate this movie 1 box of Mike and Ikes and 1 twizzler that’s not twisted. The end

American Made

This ‘based on a true story’ flick stars Tom Cruise as a pilot who starts working for the CIA and uses those connections to smuggle drugs into the USA. Tom’s character encounters a problem where he runs out of places to store huge suitcases of money in his mansion, which is a problem I imagine he has in real life. Scientology! The end.

Baby Driver

I don’t listen to ‘experts’ when they rave about movies like they did about this but, goddamn, this was a good movie! The worst part of this movie is the stupid name and the 1970’s looking art they used for the dvd cover but the acting core (aside from the main guy Baby and his love interest, neither of whom I recognized) of Kevin Spacy, Jamie Foxx, and John Hamm (apparently ending your name in double consonants = acting chops) more than made up for it. The opening scene is kickass and the soundtrack is double tits! The end

The Hatton Garden Job

Some British old geezers and a young guy break into some safe deposit boxes. This very typical heist movie based on a true story is nothing spectacular. But if you’re a sucker for bank vault theft movies like me, this is worth a watch. The end