Category Archives: horror

Alpha Wolf

Crappy wolf costumes, a dog that turns into a man which is left unexplained, boobies, and silver coins killing werewolves? Yes, please! Well…actually, the movie sucked. The end.

Hereditary

If you like scary movies, watch this. If you don’t, skip it or wear a diaper because, you know, poo poo. A dude (with a mole I couldn’t take my eyes off) accidently kills his sister so naturally his mom conjures her spirit…or does she!? The end.

Chopping Mall (1986)

This movie has everything 80’s: big hair, jelly bracelets, mom jeans with 9 inch zippers, gratuitous 80’s nudity, Short Circuit Johnny 5 type killer robots, and electric music. Some high school kids that look 25 have to fight killer robots in a mall. It was a good one! The end

Soft Matter

Ummmmm…I’m not really sure what to say except I think this movie was either made by someone on their break from the concussion factory or by someone very, very, super, ultra LSD mixed with beaver tranquilizers high. This movie includes, but is not limited to, animated musical interludes, a girl with a sharpie mustache, a sludge moster wearing garbage bags who ruins his ‘fresh kicks’, and a god who lives in a mop bucket. Ya, try and sort through that while sober. The end.

The Greasy Strangler

If you were a fan of Napoleon Dynamite and Kung Fury, you’ll enjoy this dark comedy/thriller to the max! Elija Wood, aka Frodo Baggins, was one of the producers of this nearly NC-17 version of a Napoleon Dynamiteish movie, with a ton of male full frontal nudity. If you’re not sold yet, this old guy, when him and his son aren’t inexplicably wearing women’s clothes and going to discos, covers himself is grease and goes around strangling people to their comic demise. The end

Ghost Ship (2017)

Guest Reviewer John: Fucking aweful. Don’t even try to watch this confusing piece of shit. The end.

Mother!

If you love having anxiety and being confused at the same time, this is the movie for you! This movie won some awards or something but I have no idea why. The bad guy from No Country for Old Men and the Hunger Games chick acted well, I guess, and supposedly this movie is a metaphore for the bible or something but I was just straight up confused. The end.

Sam Was Here

This movie was weird yet interesting and it grabbed my attention but it’s directed by some weird french guy and apparently the french not only drink pee and eat babies but they don’t know how to end a goddamn movie. A guy named Sam (which you probably surmised from the title) drives around the desert but nobody is around…and then people ARE around and trying to kill him. Plus there is a weird, unexplained, red light in the sky. The end.

The Ritual

The name of this movie should be changed to ‘College Friends From England Go Hiking and are Chased by a Big Monster…The Movie’. This was put together pretty well even though the monster is never really explained. If you’re in the mood for a horror/thriller check out ‘Blaire Witch meets Bigfoot…the movie’ aka The Ritual. The end

Army of Darkness

Apparently I’m one of the few who missed this wacky cult classic about some guy who’s apparently a badass that gets sucks from the 90’s into midevil times. Even though he has a chainsaw hand (that he changes out to a homemade robot hand) and a shotgun, he gets his ass kicked by women, witches, books, skeletons, and himself, but (spoiler alert) comes out on top. This horror comedy is fun for the whole family! The end