Category Archives: kids

The House With a Clock in the Walls

Not good. Don’t watch it. The end.

Secret Life of Pets

I’ve seen a lot of shitty kids’ animal movies over the years, and this one is not too bad and my kids thought it was the bomb (though not as good as Zootopia, where they get their animal fix most weeks). Two dogs go through a typical arc of hating each other, tolerating each other, then liking each other – like my two dogs, Scratchy and Fluffy (both fucking annoying in their own way). The gangster bunny is kind of funny, as is the hot dog scene (mmmm. hotdogs..). The End.

Beauty and the Beast (2017)

I absolutely loved the animated version of this movie and I realized I’m a B&B purist. It took me about half the movie to get over the fact that this had real people in it and the songs weren’t exactly the same (and there were new ones). But once I got over those small hurdles, I really enjoyed this and, btw, the main scenes (opening, be our guest, the date, Gaston…)were really well done. The end.

Boss Baby

An odd premise for a movie; babies are produced by a company run by babies and some of the babies drink this magic potion that makes them corporate douche bags but they keep their baby bodies. There are some parts that I laughed at though. I rate this movie one pair of mismatched socks and a bite of cheese. The end


Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson is a shape shifting demigod that stole something he wasn’t supposed to. He teams up with a South Pacific princess To return the stolen property and save her people, but not before beating a bunch of weird coconut pirates, outsmarting a giant thieving crab, and fighting a lava monster. This movie is a must watch and has some fun music. You’re welcome

Angry Birds

The angry birds get angry at those green pig things. The end


Andy Samberg voices the main character in this animated movie that’s actually kind of funny. If your kids think think storks deliver babies then they are stupid and you are bad parents. The end.


Miss Peregrine’s Home for Peculiar Children

Good movie about how some kid with a wacky grandpa meets up with some other kids who all have crappy super powers in some weird ‘time pocket’ world where the same day repeats (a la Groundhogs Day). All the kids (and Miss P.) are trying to get away from these invisible monsters who eat eyeballs for some reason and are led by the evil Sam Jackson. The end.


Peanuts Movie


A parent-who-hates-Charlie-Brown’s worst nightmare. Even smoking weed beforehand couldn’t make this bearable. Fuck Charlie Brown and all those Peanuts fuckers. The end.

Stand By Me

Chopper sicks balls, speaking of which, a big leech sucks on some. They (the kids, not the balls) see a dead body and fight a rival gang. Oh, and the fat kid grows up to marry Rebecca Romijn – true story. The End.