The Meg

Apparently this is a shark movie, not a movie about Meg Ryan or Megan Fox. It’s a new age Jaws except Jason Statham and Dwight from The Office are in it. It’s exactly what you’d expect, unless, like me, you expected a Meg Ryan movie. The end.

Hereditary

If you like scary movies, watch this. If you don’t, skip it or wear a diaper because, you know, poo poo. A dude (with a mole I couldn’t take my eyes off) accidently kills his sister so naturally his mom conjures her spirit…or does she!? The end.

Chopping Mall (1986)

This movie has everything 80’s: big hair, jelly bracelets, mom jeans with 9 inch zippers, gratuitous 80’s nudity, Short Circuit Johnny 5 type killer robots, and electric music. Some high school kids that look 25 have to fight killer robots in a mall. It was a good one! The end

Upgrade

I had never heard of this movie but holy maxi pad was I impressed! A computer gets put in a guys brain and he knows karate, a la the matrix, sort of, but not really. If you like cool stuff, have good taste, and probably also have a weiner (small or large) you are sure to like this movie. The end.

Jurassic Dead

From guest reviewer Kim: If you are looking for tons of dino action, it won’t be found here. Overall movie equates to a 9 year old’s garage skit with his dolls. Oh, three sentences, also know your video games to get those 9 year old punch lines. The end.

How It Ends

This Netflix original was great for 112 minutes but the last minute sucked. Mr. wonky eyed Forrest Whitaker travels with his soon to be son-in-law to rescure his daughter from a strange, unknown event on the east coast that shut off all power in the USA. Spoiler alert: After 113 minutes, you still don’t know the cause of the event (boooooo!). The end.

Skyscraper

Hey, Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson, Sylvester Stallone called and wants his movie Cliffhanger back! The end.

Super Troopers 2

Farva is still funny. Fred savage makes a cameo. Not as good as #1 but there are a lot of good Canadian jokes. The end

Tau

A smart home with a killer robot keeps a woman hostage per its master’s commands. Woman tries to befriend the robot house in order to escape. Moral of the story: people are smart and robots are dumb. The end

Future World

This movie with a kick ass name (I mean, Future World! Come on!) has A bad ass James Franco, Snoop Dogg, a dying Lucy Liu, Leeloo from The Fifth Element, and a hot chick robot. With all those gems, all they needed was a good plot from the ‘future’, but there wasn’t one. No cool ray guns, time travel portals, aliens, or spaceships; just some kid trying to get his mom medecine and save a robot. The end.